Life update

I don't know what to write but I feel like I should, I have so much on my mind. Let's see....

Midterms ended a week or two ago, about the same time my grandpa had passed away. I didn't know him as much as my cousins did, I hardly spent time at his house and I'm closer to my grandma anyway. My last couple visits to see him, he couldn't even remember me. I had to introduce myself as "Dosie's kid" and as stupid as this probably sounds, my heart shrunk a little when he didn't ask how I'm doing in school, what's going on with me now or how my dad was. It went more like

Me: We drove from New Mexico to see you!
Grandpa: Oh, you're from New Mexico? So how do you like California?
Grandma: She's Dosie's kid!
Grandpa: Oh, you've seen Dosie?
Me: Yes, he's my dad.
Grandpa: OH.

My grandma told me how bad he felt and apologized, but I understood enough. I'm happy he doesn't have to suffer anymore but at the same time I still miss our small talks and his hugs and firm handshake when I saw him. Honestly, I'm more worried about how my grandma is holding up. Today is her birthday and tomorrow is supposed to be their anniversary. Probably won't be the happiest of the two. Of all the deaths I've experienced, my grandpa was the closest to me. It isn't saying much considering we weren't very close at all, but it was the first one I legitimately cried about. He was a hard worker and lived a long and healthy life.

My mom's dad passed earlier this year too, but I never knew him enough and didn't feel as effected by it. I'm just not the type to be upset over a relationship I never even had. Anyway, I don't have any grandpas now and that's an odd thought.

I feel like I've relaxed too much after midterms. The only classes I've managed to maintain an A in was terminology and office skills, and because of my awful lab practical, my A&P grade is now a low B. I've decided I need to go back to my study habits I had a the beginning of the semester.

Which means no practicing music like I wanted. However, I did sign myself up to do background work for Breaking Bad and they contacted me back just to confirm that I'm 18 and that I'm a New Mexico resident. I miss film acting, this is probably the closest I can get to it for a while. Maybe once my life calms down a little I can keep going to my classes and actually start looking for a real agent after I get my headshots updated. Also, I've been holding off painting for art to hang up on our walls way too frigging long! I NEED MY ART & DIY FIX, wah.

xoxo
Angie

the worst i've felt

It's been a pretty hectic couple of days. There are good things happening to me and there are bad things, but first I'm going to focus on the bad! That way the good feels pretty recent... I guess.

Alex got himself into a bit of trouble a couple days ago that's really going to cost the both of us financial difficulty for a little bit. We were already having relationship problems, and by the looks of things, he thought that after his little screw up, he'd come home and find me packed up and gone, fed up with his crap. I wasn't gone, however. I probably could have been if my car wasn't impounded, but I didn't even think of leaving. All I did was worry if he was okay, and I woke up thinking about how much I missed him. I wasn't even 100% positive I truly loved him until then, because if I didn't, I think that would have been the last straw for me.

It's been extremely stressful at work, believe it or not. Last week, I showed up an hour late because I copied down my shift times wrong and didn't catch it until the last minute. Then a couple days ago after Alex's situation, I was stressed out and I could not deal with troublesome customers, I just wasn't having any of it. I didn't have half of my uniform because it was in my car, which was impounded, and I was being really rude to customers and I was written up because my drawer was $3 short at the end of my shift. Then, yesterday, my period started (just my luck with all of the shit already going on with me) and I was losing a lot of blood. I don't know if the TDap vaccine I got a couple days ago had anything to do with it but I was losing more blood than usual, and 30 minutes into my shift I became extremely light headed and nauseous and I nearly passed out. One of my co-workers gave me water and told me I should tell my manager I need to go home because I was looking really pale. So I ended up going home early and once I got home, I threw up and Alex helped me into bed and I passed out right away. I can't go back to work again until I get a doctor's return notice, but I'm not even feeling any better right now. I'm still light headed and still nauseous, but at least I'm not about to pass out at any moment. I feel like I'm about to get fired for screwing up so much in the last week, which is really upsetting to me because I do feel like I work really hard and I enjoy the job (other than the meth heads that come in and are really indecisive about which frigging donuts they want).

Brightside! I'm doing extremely well in school and I'm enjoying it. This is the first time since moving to Albuquerque I've had friends that I was able to hang out with outside of school and be myself around. The best part is that we're all taking the exact same classes and we have similar goals, so it's really easy to talk to them about things and study, and it's probably thanks to them that I still have A's in my classes so far, and we're halfway to midterm! I've started a Facebook study group with Mikaela that's actually turned out to be pretty successful. 16 people from our classes have already joined and it seems to be helping out quite a few of us a lot. We share notes and study guides we've made and I update people on the homework that's due the next week, along with articles, pictures, and videos we find on the internet. Also updating people with announcements the instructors have made or when grades for assignments have been posted. It's really great that we're helping each other rather than have it be all competitive like I know a few other programs are, and I feel like I contributed a lot to my classmates. Hopefully I keep this motivation up until the end of the program! Other than all the above, all I'm doing now is study study studying. My head hurts. The lowest quiz score I've gotten was a 7/10 and I'm telling everyone I'm failing. I've done all the extra credit and more. I might be overachieving just a little bit.

xoxo
Angie

Probably an Overdramatic Blog

So I'm about to start my 3rd week in the veterinary program and it's been pretty crazy so far. Every week, I have a full page list of homework front & back that I need to get done. Although the material is pretty basic so far, there's still a lot of work and studying being done. On top of that, I work a part-time job on most of the days that I don't have school, I'm volunteering at an animal shelter, and I'm training a 1 year old dog (proving to be extremely difficult; I've never had to train a puppy before and I'm just now learning positive reinforcement). So yes, my life has been pretty busy! It's just gonna get even busier the deeper I get into the program.

I don't know if these are mood swings, or just my 21st birthday approaching. I still find time to get on Facebook every once in a while and I'm still on Twitter all the time, and I see constant status updates and posts about how my friends over there are turning 21, they're having parties, going to Disneyland, and living out their early 20s. I'm stuck in New Mexico constantly studying and working and there's nothing I want more than to have a social life also. I know I'm being productive by studying and working and going to school here, but I have friends that are doing the same in California, but they're also having fun too. Some people have pointed out, "You'll have time to do all that after school!" Well, after school I'm gonna be like 26 and all my friends that partied are gonna be over partying and they're gonna be out of state, out of the country, moved on with their lives. I don't know how to explain it. I can't say I'm bored or lonely. Alex, some of my family, and my pets are plenty of company. I have a little group at school I hang out with, but only at school. They're not exactly close enough yet, though since I am going to the same classes with them for the next 2 years it'll probably get better. I guess I'm just not having the idea of fun I'd like to have. No adventures, no one to text "let's get frozen yogurt" and we'd go on a quick frozen yogurt run, and just hang out whenever.

My 21st birthday is next Monday, and I have no clue what I'm doing for it. I'd like a party, but I don't know enough people in Albuquerque to have one. I've had friends that promised they would road trip from California and visit me here, but guess what? No one talks to me anymore, so obviously it's not going to happen. I don't even think they care, or they probably think I'm too busy. I've texted Matt multiple times and no response, he's too busy with his friends and having a social life and all that good stuff. And now...oh great, and here come the tears. So stupid......and now I don't have anyone to text or talk to when I'm feeling like this. So here's a blog.

Yeah, I guess it is loneliness. Not the type of lonely where I feel like I'm isolated from the world.  I don't know what it is. I miss my friends but they don't miss me. I guess that fits. They say they miss me but they really don't, they're too busy to miss me. They have the rest of my friends there to distract them. I'm basically missing out on everything. I MISS everything, everything about California. The ability to go to the beach, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, anywhere I wanted with friends that I'd have fun with while I'm doing it. And hey, if I still lived there maybe they'd still talk to me sometimes.

Ahhhh! Poop, well now my makeup is all ruined, but it's a good thing I'm not doing anything today except for laundry & studying. I guess that's all I'm doing for the rest of my life. Work and chores.

adv

I'm proud of myself. This is going to sound familiar to my fellow A:TLA fans, but when I was little, I lived a good, comfortable, steady life and a childhood anyone would ask for. I'm not going to act like my parents were bad people, or I've gone through some deep struggle. I grew up getting every thing I wanted, and as long as I got good grades and I was well-behaved, I would be fine. I've been sheltered and I've always conveniently had things when I needed them.

Yet nobody told me it would be this hard growing up. My parents told me I didn't need to get a job until after college, because they were so sure I'd be fine, and that they themselves would be wealthy enough for mine and my brother's education and living expenses. We were promised a university complete with the whole dorm life experience. My dad always told me I don't need to get a job and I should concentrate on my education, because he "made the mistake" of working instead of going to college right away.

Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. What I should've done was start working right when I turned 16, but when that time came, I mentioned to my parents, "all my friends are getting jobs, should I get one too?" No. Concentrate on your studies. I went with what they said, because, even after their divorce and my dad's bankruptcy, I was sure we'd be fine again in the long run, and not working seemed ideal to me.

College arrived. No, not the university dorm experience I've since high school graduation expected and looked forward to. Community college. I asked my dad the same question. "Should I get a job now?" No. Concentrate on graduating college. You'll be fine with loans, grants, and my VA loans. You don't need to work. It's been 3 years and my dad hasn't been approved for his VA loans, the $700 he promised would come every month has never came, I get financial aid loans once a year, which aren't enough and I will have to pay back in the long run, and scholarships? Ha ha ha, since when have I done well in high school to earn those? Even if I applied to university, I wouldn't be accepted anyway. My mom's promised $100 for me every month, but now she can't afford it. You never know what might happen to your parents' money. Don't think you can rely on them forever.

First off, when you turn 16, the first thing you ought to do is look for a job, always. No matter how rich you think your parents are. This is one thing I will always regret not doing. I often see people complain that their parents are forcing them to go out and look for work when they're only in high school. I would have given anything to have that instead. When you're 20 years old with no work experience, the chances of finding a job will be H A R D. Do you know how awful that looks on a resumé? When my first employer looked at mine, she said in a very judgmental tone, "You've never actually worked before?" It's a good thing I'm a charismatic person when I need to be. I don't care if it's goddamn McDonald's, or if you're walking a balloon animal at a kiosk in a corner of the mall. Any experience is a beneficial experience.

The one piece of financial advice my dad gave me that's really helped in the long run, and has assisted me in renting my own place, was, "Put 10% of whatever money you earn into your savings and don't touch them." I will tell you, in the last two months I've saved $300. That's how much my VTNE (Veterinary Technician National Examination) will cost me when I graduate. And it only took me two months to save it up. And I EARNED IT. Do you know how good that feels?

Although I've lived a privileged life (up until we lost that house in Lake Elsinore and my family went bankrupt), I've come along pretty strong. I've recently experienced living without water for the second time. I can't go out and enjoy myself because we're saving so much money to ensure we have food and a roof over our heads. I haven't had a proper shopping spree in over a year, and shopping sprees to me are spending more than $50 at the mall. I have three pets I will refuse, and absolutely REFUSE, to give up, I will gather whatever little money we have left to take care of their needs and ensure their happiness. Animals that I'm currently dedicating a huge part of my life to.

xoxo
Angie

What do you want to be when you grow up?!

8 year old me would be very pleased had she seen herself today. She'd look in the mirror everyday and convince herself she's the prettiest girl in her class, even though her classmates made sure she knew otherwise. Her favorite subject was science, and one day we had a brief lesson on the anatomy of a flower. She went home after school and picked a flower from her mother's garden and gently tore it apart, taping the pieces on a bright green sheet of construction paper. Pollen...stem...petals...filaments...anther.... She wanted to be a scientist and storybook writer on the side. She read books and wrote short stories about animals. A squirrel and cat who were best friends. Her labrador, Rino, who had to go away after a family incident. When she turned 10, her father gave her her own puppy...a springer spaniel mix whom she named Angelo. She wrote stories about Angelo: how Angelo was effected by 9/11, Angelo and our family friend's dog and the adventures they went on, dreams she had with Angelo in it, most of which he got lost, ran over, eaten, stolen, or abused by a stranger.

I stopped writing short stories a long time ago, caught up with the dramas of middle and high school, things that were going on with my family and a (still) ongoing addiction to the internet. I'm making myself proud today by helping animals. I am becoming a scientist! (sort of?) Veterinary Technology is science. I consider myself a scientist, anyone who studies a form of science, right? The whole aspect is exciting to me.

What I needed was those 5 trips to the different parks we took this past week, a good book, fresh air and some time with my puppies. Bridgette has been feeling left out. She's barely starting to get comfortable around Zelda, but I'm sure she'll be fine soon. She's cuddling up to me right on this couch as I type.

I'm going to start practicing my piano and guitar, and hopefully get some painting and sewing done once I get a job and some money to pay for supplies, haha.

Meet Zelda!

xoxo

Angie

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hear a lot of people say this about their significant others, but it's never worked out so well for me. All my long distance relationships have ended in disaster. It's never been this way with platonic friendships. Either we stop talking altogether, or we just get along better. Anyway, it sums up this entire trip with every high school friend I've spent time with during.

Julie is a must see whenever I visit California. She's like my sister, and, although we probably couldn't be more different, my best friend. I can tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me, even if she'd probably judge everyone else that did the same things. She went with me to a party where there was drinking and hookah and it's totally not her scene but she stuck around for a little bit anyway. She'll still talk to me like a normal person when I'm drunk and wouldn't see me any differently. Therefore, I have to single her out. She's a JEWEL HAHA GET IT?! because...Julie? Jewel-y? That's something she might find funny.

Another person that really stuck out was Jacky. Jacky and I have had our ups and downs throughout high school, a lot of them. Last we talked, we were arguing and we actually never resolved whatever issue we had. However, when we saw each other at Jarel's party, we were just so excited we didn't care and I can't even remember what we even used to fight about. I hadn't really hung out with her in almost two years! Who cares what happened in high school. The only thing that mattered is that we were once friends, and the good times, and we stuck by each other all night (even when we knocked down all the hookah and burned Jarel's wood floor oops).

A lot of people asked me "You're hanging out with Nico...why?" Why not? "Didn't he hurt you really bad?" or "Weren't you guys...you know?" Wow, they honestly remember that? Thanks for reminding me man. Okay...okay. I remember it too, but I'm the only one who should! I mean, I still have some bitter feelings whenever I listen to Meg and Dia's album "Here, Here, and Here" because it brings me back to all that negativity. I listened to that album as an escape from all that drama. It was...what, three years ago? I'm over it. He wasn't a good...you know, whatever it was, but he's a good friend. He's a fun dude, and I'd like to hang out with him more when I'm in California, because I skipped out on that my last two visits.

Lastly, Matthew Grey. Do I need to even get into that. I was mad at him for a stupid reason a week before I left for California and I didn't even say sorry about it until we stopped by his house when we couldn't think of anywhere else to hang out. Only reason why he was a last resort was because I was mad at him, otherwise we would've been there earlier. I thought it over in the car and decided it was stupid so we hugged and made up. I appreciate how he watched out for me at the parties we went to or the nightly 3am visits while I was drinking all that nasty Coors Light or getting high as heck. He's gonna be one of my best friends forever unless he does something weird, like, kill my family or something.

I love them all and the rest my friends so much. I deleted a lot of the people I ran into that week off Facebook previously because I thought, "I'm in New Mexico, I'm never going to see them again, who cares about them because I know they don't care about me." The last part might be true but I honestly do love them all so much. And not just them. My mom, Aubrey and Greg. I miss them daily and I want to keep them as long as I can until they start getting me involved in their crystal meth schemes. I don't want to get shot 4 times by a mexican drug cartel pair of cousins.

Sorry, too much Breaking Bad lately.

That week was the happiest I've been in a while, which really says something. That maybe I don't belong in Albuquerque. As happy as I was to be accepted to the Veterinary Technology program for this upcoming fall, it probably wasn't anywhere near as happy as I was that week.

xoxo
Angie

Dia Frampton at the House of Blues in Anaheim

Dia & I at the House of Blues in Anaheim

Hiiiii! So, in my last blog I said I'd blog about the Dia Frampton show in Anaheim after my nap, but I got caught up in things. For like, a week. So, sorry about that.  Not much to say about the show. It was pretty amazing, equally as amazing as the show in Santa Fe. Although it wasn't as personal, it was evened out by the fact that she loved my stuffed Chandler doll I made her and Meg and how she sang more songs that were on the album. Also, I got to go with four of my very best friends Julie, Tia, Wesley, and Alyssa. Lots of dancing and singing along and being resentful to Wesley for having a birthday so early in the year. I would have liked a taste of some Long Island.

Tia, Me, Wesley, Alyssa, Julie

I look tired in both pictures because I'd been up the entirety of the train ride to California, which was a total of 15 freezing hours. I don't get how the other passengers slept, or maybe it's my poor blood temperature control. Anyway, I was almost sure I got frostbite. Bring blankets on overnight trips guys.

Right when I got off the train, I was surprised to see Julie with Greg picking me up. I was half expecting her because my mom had already told me she might be coming, but her tweet that morning said she woke up too early and she was going back to sleep. Lies, all lies! It was a pleasant surprise, however. We went to IHOP where I'd met Julie's gay boyfriend, Gabathor, who worked there, and who was also taking us to the show while he spent precious time at Disneyland (no, I'm not jealous at all). Then I went home, took a half hour nap, and then it was straight to Dia's concert after picking up Tia & Alyssa.

My next blog will be more about my trip to California, which I will start right now. I promise!

xoxo

Angie

Dia Frampton at Santa Fe Sol

Hello! It's been a while since I've written here. A lot has happened in the last week! It's going to be hard to summarize everything.

It starts with a trip to Santa Fe to finally see Dia Frampton and the rest of the band perform for the first time in my life. Now, I've never seen them live because I was never really the type to go to concerts. I've appreciated them from the confines of my earphones listening to each and every song I had from Meg and Dia. However, now that I have a car, my license, and my appreciation for them grew into something more as a source of inspiration (and fangirliness) there wasn't a single reason that I shouldn't go.

When we got there, I spotted Carlo and Jimmy aka "Not-Meg" or "Nutmeg" automatically. Alex and I sat in a chair and I sort of just looked at them talking to each other. Creeper, right?! I didn't know if I would bother them by talking to them. No one else came up to them and they were just sitting there in the open. No one but me was even looking at them. It turned into a different story once we got inside. Once again, they were standing in the back and no one was paying any attention to them, even when Dia was with them just drinking her beer with Carlo. I sat there wondering if I was the only one who even knew who they were. Had Alex not taken my phone away and pushed me toward them, I probably wouldn't have talked to them at all, but I did.

Carlo actually spoke to me first. "Are you Angelica, or Angie or something like that?" "Yes, wait, how did you know?" he told me he saw my Twitter, and that he reads his mentions all the time. I thought, oh no, I hope he doesn't remember the time I jokingly asked him to make out with me. Hahhha. Dia interrupted by grabbing the 3 chandler robots hanging around my neck and asked, "Can I take a picture of you? I want to send this to Meg, she'll love it!" I can honestly say, I didn't feel starstruck or dumbfounded. I didn't feel speechless or that my breath was getting caught inside my throat, or any of that. It felt really natural talking to them, and, as Dia likes to say, "organic." Like they were just people I was meeting at a party. I didn't see Jonathan until the show started, and Dia explained when she got on stage that her drummer, Nick, had family things going on. Everyone knows Meg is on break, but I was really neutral about Jimmy, who was standing in another corner watching Xenia while I was talking to Dia and Carlo. Afterwards, we left them alone to get some beer and that's when they were crowded by a bunch of people.

Once they got on stage, I can't explain how great the show was. There was much interaction with the audience, it's the first show I really danced at, she ended the night with a love song (during which in the middle of she pointed to me and Alex and said "You guys are so damn cute!"). Alex and I agreed at the end of the night that it was the most satisfying show we've both ever been to, which says a lot because we've both been to a lot of shows. It felt more personal, like a local show due to the small size of the audience, but I preferred it over seeing her at the very popular House of Blues in Anaheim, which I will write about after this nap.

xoxo

Angie

A Life That's So Stable and Nice, Could It Be A Place Where I Feel Most Like Me?

Hah! Seems like all my blogs have something to do with Meg & Dia. I'll calm down once I find a band I love more. I doubt it though.

Hellooo! It's been a good week. A few ups and downs here and there, but overall productive. I've barely had any time to think or analyze a lot of things, which is good. When I'm not thinking or worrying too much, I'm usually up to something. This week I've done a couple projects, cleaned up around the house a little bit, and to top the week off, Alex found out he might be getting a raise, which is good for us because, well, when is a raise not good?

I presented the idea of painting a chalkboard to Alex a couple weeks after we moved in, and then to Carlos (my landlord) once Alex approved of it. Carlos liked the idea, so Alex and I got to work once we came by some extra money (his sister helped in providing us with groceries and about half a year's worth of toilet paper, so we're pretty set). We picked up some painting supplies and chalkboard paint and got to work, and we were very excited and proud of the outcome. Planning to add bamboo sticks around the border, thus the strange addition to the list, which has already been pointed out a couple times.

The bonding experience with Alex was a little of what I needed. He's in class in the early mornings until mid-afternoon, and then off to work in the evening until midnight. We typically only spend about four hours together every day and it's a bit of a bummer. When we are together, he likes to cuddle and hold me and he's a really touchy person, which is where my bad mood starts to set in, making our time together unenjoyable to me.  "Seriously, don't pick me up, stop," is something I feel like I have to tell him daily. "I just love you is all, why don't you ever want me to touch you?" he asks. I've explained a dozen times before, "I don't like being touched, I'm trying to get ready, I'm trying to do something, just leave me alone for 5 seconds at least. Let me get this done. Stop smothering me." These are what most of our fights are mainly about. Are we just not compatible? I don't know. 

Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, even though I often don't show it. I think about him all day, I worry about where he is or what he's doing, but I also like keeping to myself. Just because I don't touch him all the time doesn't mean I don't love him. I look at him from across the room and smile to myself and I get the butterflies and I'm thankful for what I have. I figure that's enough. I've always favored the "best friend" type of relationship with a partner rather than the "romantic touchy cuddly cute adorable" relationship. I mean there's the honeymoon phase where that's all fine, we're really infatuated, we want to be together all the time, but it's been almost a year and a half and I feel like I'm at the point where his company is enough for me and being cuddled with here and there, but anything beyond that, unless I'm in the mood, is too much. However, I still don't feel like he's passed his honeymoon stage with me and it's a problem. I want to be able to get up from laying in bed without him pulling me back in and keeping me there. I want to be able to pass by him in the house without being picked up. All that lazy time we spend wrapped in each other's arms is time I feel could be devoted to practicing harmonizing on the guitar and keyboard or drawing or painting, walking Angelo around the neighborhood, adventuring department and thrift stores, downtown, the park, the river, or even cooking. Just getting things done and breathing in fresh air.

Doing this project with him was a relieving way we could interact without him being all over me. We were doing something productive together and we were happy and it's exactly what I want for us. Plus, I now have a chalkboard where I can feel like a kid again when I write on it!

Another thing to make me feel like the kid that I admittedly still am in my own house (very adult) was buying a couple novelty trays and a half gallon of ice cream, some twin popsicles, and italian ice! Our freezer hasn't been very full, in fact it's been pretty empty except for some frozen seafood on the freezer door. Filling it up with frozen treats felt very nostalgic and the colors make me feel like the happy, spoiled, over-privileged child that I once was. 

A couple other things I've accomplished this week was sewing these felt coasters with leftover felt that we had and wrapping Tanner's (Alex's little brother) birthday present, which I like to consider something accomplished because of how I wrapped it. I think it turned out very cute, although I only started to wrap it like a normal, boring birthday present.

Tanner found it amusing. As amusing as any 13 year old kid who grew up in a reservation and couldn't tell the difference between a giraffe and an elephant would find it. He's the only 13 year old kid I know that's asked for Legos for his birthday. Usually they ask for video games these days, no? He did mention an Xbox Live card, but let's ignore that. I feel like Legos are more creative.

One more thing I'd like to blog about. I had my Animal Humane volunteer orientation today! They covered what the Animal Humane was all about and safe animal handling, which I already knew most of from my Veterinary Technology classes. Compared to the other volunteers, I was relieved over how much I actually already knew. It's one of those rare times that I ever start out ahead of everyone without expecting to,  because I've started to expect everyone's had so much more experience than me in everything.

xoxo

Angie

"I'm a Mobile"

"Everything's chaaangin', when I turn around, all out of my control~"

I feel like not many people know that song, unless you bought that Avril Lavigne album and listened to it on repeat years ago like I did. That's the song that came in mind once I read Meg Frampton's blog this morning (chandlertherobot.blogspot.com).

Meg and Dia have been my favorite band ever since my good friend's girlfriend (she's now MY girlfriend, hahaHA) introduced them to me my high school senior year about 4 years ago. Granted, once she showed me "Monster" and "Indiana" I downloaded those two songs right away (illegally, I might add; didn't help the band whatsoever and I regret that), but thinking I wouldn't care for them beyond those songs. However, I bought Here, Here, and Here once it was released and I played that album non-stop. Listening to it now brings me back to memories of bus rides to and from school. "Black Wedding" and "What If" (yes, the two singles off that album, I do remember!!) remind me of the first time I lost someone I really liked and who liked me back to a girl I really didn't like at the time, but also didn't really know that well. The entire album helped me through the heartbreak of the whole thing and helped me handle it better than I would have, although I still don't think I coped with it very well. Recently, Cocoon and It's Always Stormy In Tillamook, Dia being on The Voice, and the debut of her solo album, Red, has given me inspiration to do more things with myself. However, nothing gave me more inspiration than Meg starting her jewelry line, Chandler the Robot.

My own collection of Chandlers

I fell in love with these things, and was thrilled when Alex got me my first Chandler for Valentine's Day this year. One, being that it was only one of a hundred (or was it fifty?) Tiny Dancers, and two, I was holding something that someone I really admired put so much work into. I examined it and I wanted to do something similar, I wanted to make something. Jewelry, dolls, music, anything. I thought of things I could do, but every time I thought of something great, I would Google it and it turns out someone's already thought of it. I wanted to start something of my own, that no one else had done. I vented these feelings out to Alex, who reminded me that I could do all the things I thought of and still make it my own. Just because someone makes robot jewelry doesn't mean someone else can't make their own robot jewelry with their own style. Just because someone already makes bowtie collars for dogs or zombie felt dolls doesn't mean that I can't do it my own way or that I can't do it better.

I'm so proud of Meg, doing her own thing and supporting her younger sister in the spotlight is something I'd find very hard for myself to do. I'd feel pushed to the side somehow. I am a little upset I won't be seeing her in Santa Fe with Dia and the rest of the band, but I hope I'll still be able to meet her one of these days, just like Dia's blog says, whether it be making jewelry or making music or at an audition for a new television sitcom! Who knows, but I'll continue following her blog and supporting her all the way, just like how I'll continue supporting Meg & Dia (or whatever name they end up taking on), even if it's very different from the band I fell in love with. I'll keep looking up to her just as so many other fans do.

In the meantime I will create things, I will! I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to write and publish that book I told my little girl self I was going to write. I want to make music, improve myself on the piano and sing and play guitar and learn the ukelele. I want a sewing machine because hand-sewing hurts my back, as I'm bent over in concentration a lot of the time, but it's worth it. I need to stop wanting so much and start doing! First, I need the money. To get money I need a job, and to keep a job for longer than 3 months will be my main goal for the time being. Until then, I'll have to keep wanting and wishing and planning.

xoxo
Angie

Writing and Moving and Projects Oh My!!

I've finally decided to make a blogspot! Or use it anyway. I always viewed blogspot as being a more serious blogging platform compared to Tumblr, and recently I've just been handwriting my serious thoughts in journals and leaving my fangirlism to Tumblr. My inspiration for this blog came quickly. Alex and I busted out both of our journals while unpacking and read them both to each other. Afterward, Alex had left for work. "What am I going to do all day without the car?" I asked before he left. "Write," he answered, "You have a good head. You think things through, you're a good writer. You always have been." He was, of course, referring to A Writer's Notebook, a creative writing journal in which my mom gave me around 3rd grade that I only wrote in for a short period of time.

"If I were ever a woodchuck and got fed by a human with gum, I would fly away and never come back again, because I'm a bird!! Birds don't eat human sweets. However, if I were a human, which I am, I would love that nice, tasty, Juicy Fruit."

It's not perfect, but in my opinion, okay for a 7 year old. The commas are all in the right places and nothing is misspelled. I've only noticed recently how I've been recognized throughout school for my writing skill. I wrote a short story in pre-school about a magical clam, presented it at a school assembly, and I always had journals upon journals. I failed my 9th grade English class, but my teacher signed me up for 10th grade Advanced English anyway ("I can see you have the potential"), which I also failed. My teacher was rather frustrated with me at the end. "You're smart, and you can write damn good. The chapter summaries of Jane Eyre that you did do were perfect, but I could tell you hardly put any effort into them. They were good anyway. You just needed to put in the work. That's it. It's not that hard!" I never did like writing if someone was telling me what to write. I paid for it later in the end, barely graduating high school in time. My first college English teacher referred me to a publisher after reading the first paper that I had turned into her, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. I still wasn't convinced my writing was any good.

Right now, I'm barely starting to get settled in this duplex I like to refer to as a house. I'm stealing Wi-Fi from the cheap hotel from across the street and taking in my landlord's second-hand cigarette smoke (or it may be the smoke from the nearby wildfire) as he assembles the water pump for the swamp cooler. Once we have a sofa, cable, internet, and the dog run built by the side of the house, will I really feel at home, hopefully. In all honesty, I haven't felt "at home" since we lived in that castle of a house in Lake Elsinore. Since my parents' divorce, moving to a different house every single year, I've left more and more things that made me feel at home in boxes, and prepared myself for the next time we've had to move again. And again. And again. This time I'm on my own, without my dad or my brother, Greg, or my mom. But...I'm not alone. I have Alex with me, away at school or work as often as he is. I have my cat, Bridgette, and my dog, Angelo. I just need to find activities to distract me. Usually Greg is here for me to say "Let's do something!" and we'd go and pass time at the mall, Hastings, or just to go out and get some frozen yogurt or boba. I do not have the luxury of Greg being present anymore, and my dad now lives at the apartment I just moved out of across the city and gas prices don't agree with my budget at the moment. I do have some DIY projects in mind.

This little guy was a Christmas gift for my best buddy Sean. That's what we're calling it now, right? We were Skyping last night and he told his navy friends that I'm his "best buddy." Rad. Anyway, this is a bigger version of the classic zombie doll from the book Zombie Felties by Nicola Tedman & Sarah Skeate. I'd like to make my own custom felt dolls, but first I'd have to design them, which would just add more fun to the project.

This is a bowtie collar I made Angelo to make him look "classier." Uggie from The Artist was my actual inspiration for this, combined with Josh Macedo's signature look thing (badcgijosh.tumblr.com). It'd be cool if I could make more for other dogs and maybe even sell them. So far, a lot of people have told me that they think he looks silly, but I love it. 

I have a lot more projects in mind that I want to do about the house, like making my own custom made blinds and turning the heater in the living room into a shelf. We'll see what happens with our budget, I suppose. Our landlord seems open to any type of renovation, what with this being an old adobe house and all.

Subscribe for more "living on my own this is so scary help me jesus christ" adventures. Maybe I can even add some of my Tumblr blog's humor to this more serious blog to bring in subscribers. Who am I kidding, no one cares. I should make some music or do something to make myself more popular in the meantime.

xoxo

Angie