the worst i've felt

It's been a pretty hectic couple of days. There are good things happening to me and there are bad things, but first I'm going to focus on the bad! That way the good feels pretty recent... I guess.

Alex got himself into a bit of trouble a couple days ago that's really going to cost the both of us financial difficulty for a little bit. We were already having relationship problems, and by the looks of things, he thought that after his little screw up, he'd come home and find me packed up and gone, fed up with his crap. I wasn't gone, however. I probably could have been if my car wasn't impounded, but I didn't even think of leaving. All I did was worry if he was okay, and I woke up thinking about how much I missed him. I wasn't even 100% positive I truly loved him until then, because if I didn't, I think that would have been the last straw for me.

It's been extremely stressful at work, believe it or not. Last week, I showed up an hour late because I copied down my shift times wrong and didn't catch it until the last minute. Then a couple days ago after Alex's situation, I was stressed out and I could not deal with troublesome customers, I just wasn't having any of it. I didn't have half of my uniform because it was in my car, which was impounded, and I was being really rude to customers and I was written up because my drawer was $3 short at the end of my shift. Then, yesterday, my period started (just my luck with all of the shit already going on with me) and I was losing a lot of blood. I don't know if the TDap vaccine I got a couple days ago had anything to do with it but I was losing more blood than usual, and 30 minutes into my shift I became extremely light headed and nauseous and I nearly passed out. One of my co-workers gave me water and told me I should tell my manager I need to go home because I was looking really pale. So I ended up going home early and once I got home, I threw up and Alex helped me into bed and I passed out right away. I can't go back to work again until I get a doctor's return notice, but I'm not even feeling any better right now. I'm still light headed and still nauseous, but at least I'm not about to pass out at any moment. I feel like I'm about to get fired for screwing up so much in the last week, which is really upsetting to me because I do feel like I work really hard and I enjoy the job (other than the meth heads that come in and are really indecisive about which frigging donuts they want).

Brightside! I'm doing extremely well in school and I'm enjoying it. This is the first time since moving to Albuquerque I've had friends that I was able to hang out with outside of school and be myself around. The best part is that we're all taking the exact same classes and we have similar goals, so it's really easy to talk to them about things and study, and it's probably thanks to them that I still have A's in my classes so far, and we're halfway to midterm! I've started a Facebook study group with Mikaela that's actually turned out to be pretty successful. 16 people from our classes have already joined and it seems to be helping out quite a few of us a lot. We share notes and study guides we've made and I update people on the homework that's due the next week, along with articles, pictures, and videos we find on the internet. Also updating people with announcements the instructors have made or when grades for assignments have been posted. It's really great that we're helping each other rather than have it be all competitive like I know a few other programs are, and I feel like I contributed a lot to my classmates. Hopefully I keep this motivation up until the end of the program! Other than all the above, all I'm doing now is study study studying. My head hurts. The lowest quiz score I've gotten was a 7/10 and I'm telling everyone I'm failing. I've done all the extra credit and more. I might be overachieving just a little bit.

xoxo
Angie

Probably an Overdramatic Blog

So I'm about to start my 3rd week in the veterinary program and it's been pretty crazy so far. Every week, I have a full page list of homework front & back that I need to get done. Although the material is pretty basic so far, there's still a lot of work and studying being done. On top of that, I work a part-time job on most of the days that I don't have school, I'm volunteering at an animal shelter, and I'm training a 1 year old dog (proving to be extremely difficult; I've never had to train a puppy before and I'm just now learning positive reinforcement). So yes, my life has been pretty busy! It's just gonna get even busier the deeper I get into the program.

I don't know if these are mood swings, or just my 21st birthday approaching. I still find time to get on Facebook every once in a while and I'm still on Twitter all the time, and I see constant status updates and posts about how my friends over there are turning 21, they're having parties, going to Disneyland, and living out their early 20s. I'm stuck in New Mexico constantly studying and working and there's nothing I want more than to have a social life also. I know I'm being productive by studying and working and going to school here, but I have friends that are doing the same in California, but they're also having fun too. Some people have pointed out, "You'll have time to do all that after school!" Well, after school I'm gonna be like 26 and all my friends that partied are gonna be over partying and they're gonna be out of state, out of the country, moved on with their lives. I don't know how to explain it. I can't say I'm bored or lonely. Alex, some of my family, and my pets are plenty of company. I have a little group at school I hang out with, but only at school. They're not exactly close enough yet, though since I am going to the same classes with them for the next 2 years it'll probably get better. I guess I'm just not having the idea of fun I'd like to have. No adventures, no one to text "let's get frozen yogurt" and we'd go on a quick frozen yogurt run, and just hang out whenever.

My 21st birthday is next Monday, and I have no clue what I'm doing for it. I'd like a party, but I don't know enough people in Albuquerque to have one. I've had friends that promised they would road trip from California and visit me here, but guess what? No one talks to me anymore, so obviously it's not going to happen. I don't even think they care, or they probably think I'm too busy. I've texted Matt multiple times and no response, he's too busy with his friends and having a social life and all that good stuff. And now...oh great, and here come the tears. So stupid......and now I don't have anyone to text or talk to when I'm feeling like this. So here's a blog.

Yeah, I guess it is loneliness. Not the type of lonely where I feel like I'm isolated from the world.  I don't know what it is. I miss my friends but they don't miss me. I guess that fits. They say they miss me but they really don't, they're too busy to miss me. They have the rest of my friends there to distract them. I'm basically missing out on everything. I MISS everything, everything about California. The ability to go to the beach, Disneyland, LA, San Diego, anywhere I wanted with friends that I'd have fun with while I'm doing it. And hey, if I still lived there maybe they'd still talk to me sometimes.

Ahhhh! Poop, well now my makeup is all ruined, but it's a good thing I'm not doing anything today except for laundry & studying. I guess that's all I'm doing for the rest of my life. Work and chores.